there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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