If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
