how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
