I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize