he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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