Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
