I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
