But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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