fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
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so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
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I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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