Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
