fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
