why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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