So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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