watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Randomize
