The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
