apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
