But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
