I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
