**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
