You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
bring money and cleavage
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
