Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
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Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
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I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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