There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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