btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
