Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
