im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
