life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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