I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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