Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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