hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
