I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
