"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
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Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The uberlube is also flammable
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Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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