if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
