The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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