Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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