so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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