those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
