It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
