Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
