Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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