Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
