Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
