even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
