Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
