You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
