when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
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I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
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He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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