Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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