I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
