I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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