just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
