I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
