I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You were trust falling into bushes
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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