i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
