He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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