she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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