I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
